A quiet kind of pride
We went to a show, it’s sort of theatre. The leading person has polyamorous relationships with a separate boyfriend and girlfriend. Similar to what kind of relationship I’m having, only we are living with the three of us and it’s not separate. It was interesting to hear, they have been about 6 years in it.. we have been around 4 years by now..
The leading person mentioned it looked to be more mainstream lately, almost a hype.. It’s also coming more into the general public through movies and TV shows, something I noticed too. It’s kinda nice, saves me from explaining over and over how we live if it comes up. But at the same time, I don’t want to be put in that box.. especially with the “hype” around it. I’m not pretending to be “og” either in that way, but these feelings stem from my childhood I think. The battle of being mainstream or out of it.. and whenever you feel comfortable living a certain way, or doing things a certain way and it becomes more normal.. suddenly it feels like you are put in a box.. labeled and put with the rest.
It’s not that I have a strong desire to be either in or out of some place. But I’m human after all, and like everybody else we have this primal desire of belonging somewhere, or mean something to someone or something else..
Recently I had this week with my coworkers, they can know if they would read my work profile that I’m in this kind of a relationship but most if any didn’t read it so they don’t know. We talk about our partners, and I never feel the need to explicitly explain my situation.. and so we end up talking about my two partners as they are a single person in their mind. If for whatever reason they would ask directly I wouldn’t mind sharing, but I don’t like bringing it up out of nowhere.. like I’m not proud of it, maybe more ashamed as it’s not the norm. But since it’s a small group of people I feel like I would be put on the spot, if I just said it the way it is.. and so we keep on pretending for a little while longer I’m just like them, with a single partner.
Where I was going with this, was that during the theatre show the person would be asking questions to the public. Questions like who ever was jealous in their relationship, who ever had a threesome, and other similar questions. Not once I felt like raising my hand and exposing private parts of my life to everyone. Even if most people there I would never see again. But there were people in the audience, proudly raising their hands to the most exposing questions.. and it got me thinking. Are they just proud of their life? Or they want to be seen, attention in whatever kind they can receive? Either it being envy, disgust, or disapprovals from the other people there.. and some of them being loud and proud I immediately jumped to that conclusion. They want attention, they don’t take life seriously.. they don’t care, life is a joke to them.. etc.
Some time after, I kept thinking about it.. and suddenly realised. What if they were not there, the people that are loud and proud. Not afraid to stand in the spotlight with their “abnormal” ways of living.. There would not be a “hype” of being polyamourous.. Any queer people would still be stuck hiding their true desires away from the general public etc. I’m still in some sort of hiding, coming out of the closet every now and then.. but it’s okay. It’s safe out there.
And that’s probably only possible due those people I used to see like attention craving idiots.. I still don’t want to be one of them, but I guess I have to be grateful for them being the way they are..