Death
After love .. there’s the other side of the coin, death.
I realise I’m not like most people in regards to death and all due respect for those grieving of loss of loved ones etc. But for me, death brings me a sense of peace. Closure. I don’t want my loved ones to die of course, but if it were to happen, god forbid, I would not have to worry about their wellbeing anymore. Or being the person they want me to be. I wouldn’t have to worry about losing them anymore.
I’ve dealt with death throughout my life in several occasions, the first being my grandpa passing when I was 10 or so. It didn’t affect me that much. Then my uncle who maybe took his own life, we still don’t know and will never know. It didn’t affect me much either, aside from realising there’s an easy way out of life. Mostly due how I lived my years as a child. I didn’t take it seriously. Then my grandma passed. Several pets passed, I only cried when I had to put my favorite pet rat to sleep.
When relationships fell apart, I would treat the person as passed away. Someone to not worry about anymore, after all in some sense they did pass away. The person they were being as my partner didn’t exist anymore, so died in some sense.
I thought about ending my own life on several occasions, that it would stop the daily worrying. And to be frank, still to this day I feel like that. I’m enjoying several moments in my life, but at the same time if I had a button to press and my life would just stop in the blink of an eye, I probably would have pressed it several times by now. But for now, I just keep making lemonade.
I wrote this some time ago, after sharing with others including in therapy, people told me I’m probably just emotionally exhausted and that I’m not alone in thinking this way..