Finding myself
Nushivin likes cute things they said, the twins. I’ve had stickers from the gopher mascot of Golang on my notebook for some time already but never really paid attention to it, until they said it. It’s cute. Then my partners said I like cute things to the twins, it’s true but I didn’t consider the stickers to be cute.
Some days later, the twins gave me a small plushie, a cute tiny capivara, because I like cute things. I’m treasuring this plushie as it serves a memory of a time well spent with them.
Weeks later, I wanted new slippers. I went to the store, and I noticed ones with a cute design of Stitch on it. I wondered, could I get away with wearing those? Is it not childish? Am I supposed to be using more adult things? Then again, this particular design was in my designated side, in my size and I don’t have small feet.
I remembered the twins at that moment, saying I like cute things. Yes, I do. So I bought them, and now they serve as a small reminder of who I am. A person that likes cute things, and one that shouldn’t be ashamed of it.
But I did feel shame for this, for a long time. I think I realised at some point I needed to grow up or something, go into adulthood. I had my tiny cute figurines, a small ice cream cone, a tiny melon, a cupcake etc. I had a pillow with Konata from Lucky Star on it and a lot more things.. (one of the reasons I went with Konata for my first layout) but at some point of my life I took them out, deciding it was time to move on and grow up.
In therapy, I was told to find my true self. The person behind all the masks I wear in daily life.. But with this moment, I think I might have come a little closer to finding myself.