Surprise presentation
When I was young, having around 9 or 10 years, I remember clearly my first personal win. I went to class as usual, but then the teacher mentioned today I was scheduled to be doing a book presentation. I completely forgot about it and unprepared for it. So I died a little inside, my anxiety peaking..
Trying to catch my breath, I opened my desk drawer as usual. I noticed the book I just finished reading and decided to just go with it. For some reason it felt impossible for me to admit to the teacher that I failed to remember and prepare this presentation and ask for a re-schedule or something. But I took the book and walked to the front of the class. I felt everyone staring at me, some in boredom, some in excitement, some half afsleep yet as the day was just starting.
I looked down at my book in my hands, which were slightly shaking and just started to tell the story inside that I read the past weeks. I was still anxious, but slowly that was flowing out of me and I felt more comfortable. Eventually it went good, really good. I dare to say I even got excited with telling the story, since it caught me in a certain way. Once it was over, I received a decent grade, some applause and I returned to my seat.
I still can’t believe that actually happened, I felt like something inside took over. I was no longer the anxious child, I was a confident one. Just for a little while, and it felt so good.. I felt invincible, nobody could touch me. Something I would have to mention too, is that I was bullied during these years in school and on the streets, which made things worse in some way
Now in my adult life, I’m still this anxious child most of the time. But that day, I did learn I work best with improvising. To handle my anxiety I try to plan everything out, think of whatever can happen next.. asses all risks and rewards.. But I rationally I know it's impossible. In therapy I'm trying to work on this, I keep coming back to the same conclusion, whatever is next, is a future me problem, and I need to trust my future me to handle this. There's no point in running away from it. Another thing I realised in therapy, is that every stressful situation, ending either good or bad will be a learning moment. My future me will have more experience, and know how to handle the situation at hand, due having more experience. There's no point in running away from everything, or trying to avoid everything as you will get stuck.
So yes, I don’t know what the future will bring me. But I just have to trust myself to be able to handle whatever comes my way..