The mold that nobody fits
I went through my fair share of relationships, some went well. Others were very toxic and brought me to my knees.
During therapy and soul searching I realised I was looking for someone to fit in a specific mold.. A mold I carefully sculptured to fit my personal needs.
Over the years I realised I was attracted to broken people, people that were hurt deeply. Like I was. Misery loves company. Subconsciously I probably looked for a vulnerability. Someone I could take care of. I like taking care of people, I would put everyone over my own care. Only years later I realised to care for anyone else, you’ll need to take care of yourself first.
The most broken partners I’ve had, were the ones most toxic to my own person too. I wasn’t strong enough to hold my own. They pulled me down with them. To the point that they were the ones pushing me away, and leaving me alone. Rejected. Over and over.
This rejection had a strong impact on me. It’s my biggest fear and weakness I think, to be rejected. I used to think it was being alone, but I like to be alone. Then I thought it was being abandoned. Which in some sense still holds true. But a big part of the abandonment, is the rejection that affects me the most.
And so, I grew up adapting myself to everyone around me. Putting other people first. Catering to their needs. Changing myself. Everybody liked me, thought I was amazing. It felt good, so I kept doing it. But in the process I was slowly losing myself.
Then with therapy I learned to put myself first. Find out what makes me tick, what values hold true to my character. What kind of person I want to be. Which mask I want to wear, and when.
I have so many troubles figuring out what I really want, or like, just because I always adapted to whoever was around me.
I learnt to be truly happy, when I was doing things that are true to myself. When talking, acting and breathing in the way that I am deep down. The person I left long ago.